For Couples

Recapture Intimacy in Your Marriage

Through their speaking appearances and book, Passionate Parent Passionate Couple, Ed and Betty Coda have established a loyal following by sharing their light, spirit and expertise for maintaining an intimate and exciting marriage.

The following essay is an example of the refreshing information you can expect to receive when you engage with Ed and Betty.

The Process of Dialoguing for
Passionate Couples

Here is a question that couples ask us all of the time:

“What is the best way to keep passion and intimacy thriving?”

Most people are surprised by our answer. Why? Well, because it doesn’t involve sex! Instead, the answer we always give is dialogue.

Dialogue is a technique that we strive to use daily. It involves writing and then sharing with each other our feelings that are in response to questions we choose together.

Over the years we have learned that there are two basic levels of communication. The first level is typical of everyday life. It involves communicating, talking and sharing information.

“How was your day?” or “I have something important I want to tell you.”

Within this first level you are usually communicating facts, thoughts, opinions or judgments. All of this is important and it does help to build a certain amount of intimacy.

However, our second level is a special way to communicate for deeper intimacy because it involves just the two of us, sharing real and present feelings.

By the way, if you say “I feel that…” you are NOT communicating a feeling. You are usually communicating a deeply held conviction or judgment, which is still at the information level.

So how do we clearly and effectively communicate feelings?

We use a very tender and powerful tool—dialogue. We start by deciding on a question. It can be direct: “How do I feel when we go on a date?”

Or it can be much more complex: “What do I like least about our relationship right now?” Then we add, “How does my answer make me feel,” or “How do I feel sharing this with you?”

Notice that even when part of the question involves an opinion or judgment we bring the focus back by including a feelings question.

For example, thinking of what I don’t like about our relationship might make me feel discouraged, frustrated or possibly even angry. But then thinking of sharing what I don’t like about our relationship and imagining how my lover may take it might make me feel insecure, hesitant or even regretful.

The bottom line to creating helpful dialogue is to start your writing in the form of a love letter with only one or two sentences on the issue, and then spending 75% of your time on the feeling!

Why is sharing on a feeling level so important to us for intimacy?

We love breaking this answer down into three simple parts.

#1

Judgments and opinions can be accepted or rejected or argued upon because everyone can have a differing opinion or perspective. On the other hand, feelings are neither right or wrong or good or bad because they simply well up inside of us in response to a situation, person or thought. They have no morality because they are not chosen.

So, when I say I feel insecure like when I think I forgot something for our trip, or like when we forget to pay a bill—that is my real feeling at that moment and it CANNOT be argued with! I share this gift of me to my lover by describing my insecurity to the point where he or she can almost physically experience who I really am at that moment.

#2

Sharing on a feeling level also gives us time to “smell the roses together.” Through this process we not only get away from the distractions and to do’s of the day, but more importantly we get in touch with our inner selves to the point where we can really let go of our egos and become other-centered.

#3

Finally, you can’t love what you don’t know. It is freeing and exhilarating to be loved for who you really are and not for whom you think your partner wants you to be!

Read that last thought again and swirl it around. It really is the key.

Dialogue has been a huge part of us being passionate lovers. In fact a few weeks ago a lady came up to us after church and asked if we were newlyweds! We told her we have been married almost 44 years and she was shocked.

Right then and there we realized that while our book, Passionate Parent Passionate Couple, includes fantastic information, we need to share with our web site readers how to make true love and passion real in our everyday life. So, through our blogs we will share our dialogues in hopes that they will encourage you to do yours!

This is our gift to you.

We encourage you to read our Blog and visit our Book page to learn more about Passionate Parent Passionate Couple, and we always invite you to Contact Us for more information.