We have always said that 50-50 relationships do not work long term in marriage, it takes 100-100 for the best marriages to survive and thrive. In today’s world we see a troubling pendulum shift toward extreme selfishness. That gets closer to 0-0 and neither marriage nor any other relationship can survive that long-term.
Wikipedia defines Selfishness as “being concerned excessively or exclusively for oneself or one’s own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others”. It goes on to say: “Selfishness is the opposite of altruism or selflessness; and has also been contrasted (as by C. S. Lewis) with self-centeredness.”
We know the importance of taking care of ourselves because you can’t give what you don’t have. Sometimes we have to step back and do what is best for me.
Betty – I attended Brave Thinking Institute’s seminar with 258 other attendees called Dream Builder Live Virtual from September 15 to17.
Ed – I was taking care of myself on my annual fishing trip with over 20 men – family and close friends from 6 to 77 years old. It is basically a wilderness excursion with virtually no internet, cell phones, or computers. Truly getting away from it all!
Betty – I wanted to give myself a kick in the butt and get clarity on my dreams and our dreams. I really needed to take stock of what I want in my life. Mary Morrissey and her Dream Builder team encouraged me to look at 4 quadrants of my life which are:
- Health and Well-being
- Relationships
- Vocation
- Time and Money Freedom
I got the opportunity to evaluate where I belonged in each area and had precious time to decide on what do I want and need in my life. Yes, it was one of those selfish times to fill my giving tank. But I believe I needed to use this time to re-evaluate me. And Boy! Was it ever beneficial! When Ed got home it took us a week for me to share with him about the seminar and what my new/old dreams were. He was so wonderful to do the same exercises that I had done, and we got to get on the same page. We now get to look at our future together just like looking at the beauty of a sunset together. One of my dreams is that he will be able to attend the Dream Builder Live himself one day. If anyone else is interested, please ask me questions, and I encourage you to attend the next seminar which is January 26-28, 2024.
The big question is how do we balance selfishness and altruism? We can hear people our age criticizing the younger about the time spent on technology and being in their own little worlds, the focus on instant gratification, and lack of communicating in old-fashioned ways like talking! As always, balance is the key.
Betty – So giving myself an opportunity to explore my dreams on my own was appropriate to make myself a better lover for Eddie.
Ed – For me, getting away from it all where talking, joking, laughing while sitting around a campfire with men and boys were the major forms of communication, refreshed my spirit and brought me back yearning to be in Betty’s arms and a much better lover, too!
When the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other it is not bad, but getting stuck on either side is the problem. Too selfish and you can hurt your love relationships and too altruistic you can burn out, deplete self-esteem, and feel used. Sometimes we can visit each extreme and go ALL IN, but there has to be a balance for self-health (mental & physical) and the joy that comes when you help others. It is very important to see where you are on the pendulum. As described in our book, we often dialogue on the question, “What do I need to do right now to be a better lover for you?
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