When Carolyn Berry Wilson asked us to talk about Valentine’s Day and romance to the National Society of Arts and Letters, our first thought was why? It’s past!
OK! It’s almost the end of February and the theme for our newsletter is Valentine’s Day! It’s over a week since Valentine’s Day. But. Why should that bother us?! Valentine – whatever it means should be every day!
We did some research and here is a little history about St. Valentine’s Day. The Saint Valentine has many stories about him – some true and some myth it seems. He lived in Rome and died on February 14, 269 at the age of about 42 when he was decapitated and martyred as many persecuted Christians were at this time by Emperor Gothicus. A legend is that he performed Christian marriages between imprisoned soldiers with their lovers which no doubt caused the “off with his head” scenario. The Day was not originally for couples, it was for all relationships especially family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances.
Ed- Most people associate Valentines Day with lovers, so we’ll start by telling you about our love story. It was May 21st, 1965, when we went to a party after our college Spring Music Festival. Betty’s friends were the ones who invited me and insisted that everyone would be there, so I needed to come. As I walked up to Carol Coleman’s garage it seemed that Betty was the only one in there who was not already a couple! I was so glad because I had her all to myself the whole night. On the last dance of the evening someone pulled down a steamer and put it on us so that by the end of the dance we were bound together! Little did we realize as we look back almost 59 years later how significant that was!
My first memory of Valentine’s Day was when I had to create a valentine card for each of my classmates in grammar school! I remember telling my mom that I don’t even like a certain person so why should I make a card for him? She convinced me that I should love everyone even if I didn’t like them. Of course, I was devastated the next day when I did not get cards from some people! However, my giving to everyone did pay off because later I became friends with the one I didn’t like the most!
Betty- I, too, remember the excitement of Valentine’s Day at school and getting those cute clever little cards that are difficult to find nowadays —— Anyone else? And how many of you sent cards to your grandkids? Oh! and maybe your children, too. We sometimes forget about them!!!
For all of us Valentine’s Day or the Valentine philosophy of nurturing and appreciating friendship is huge! According to a study by the Mayo Clinic: Friends also play a significant role in promoting personal overall health. Adults with strong social connections have a reduced risk of many significant health problems, including depression, and high blood pressure. In fact, studies have found that older adults who have meaningful friendships and social support are likely to live longer than their peers with fewer connections.
So, what we’re sharing in this newsletter is important for everybody not just lovers. In our book, Passionate Parent Passionate Couple, we share 3 essential ingredients that apply to every relationship – parents, siblings, co-workers and friends. These 3 are Praise, Thanks and Forgiveness.
We will start with the first ingredient that is sometimes misunderstood- Praise:
This is one of the Passion Points that is located at the end of every lesson!
1. Sincere praise confirms and empowers others to believe in their own unique abilities, character traits and value. There is no such thing as too much praise. Learning how to accept praise is just as important as giving it.
Our society even tells us that too much praise will give someone a big head! In our experience giving too much praise is a very rare occurrence!
Perhaps a better way to look at it is to use the word affirmation. Gary Chapman wrote a book called The 5 Love Languages, and Affirmation is one of them. As a matter of fact, it is Betty’s number 1 love language, yet I fail miserably at providing it. Recently at a personal growth experience I realized my mother frequently gave me what I judged was undeserved praise especially in front of others. This gave me an attitude that everyone must be like me getting what they don’t deserve, so I subconsciously withhold praise even when an opportunity is staring me in the face. One way I have learned to counteract this attitude is to catch our kids and each other doing something right instead of always correcting when they do something wrong! Catching something good takes conscious focus and attention whereas catching the bad is easy because you usually feel anger, frustration, or irritation when you notice it. A fun way to know which attitude you have is to watch your children parent your grandkids!
OMG! First of all take delight in how in a strange vicarious way you are getting even with your kids for all the grief they put you though, but then just think of one positive you can give. Be honest and find something that is true like, “I’m proud of how you persisted through that situation with Johnny!”
Betty- I am not a good backseat driver in the front seat! I really overkill Ed by giving way too much correction. Many times, Ed feels irritated by this, but recently a person wearing dark clothes at night walked out from between parked cars, and it is only because I screamed that Ed avoided hitting him.
Ed- It was so easy to appreciate her for that! Actually lifesaving! Now we have agreed that I will consider her as my co-pilot and I’m forever thankful that she pays attention while I’m driving!
The 2nd ingredient is Thanks:
Here are 2 more Passion Points that are located at the end of Lesson 8!
2. Thanks is the antidote for the greatest relationship sin, which is taking the other for granted.
3. Live with an attitude of gratitude. If you express thanks and gratitude for the good things in your life, you’ll get more of it. Keep a mental list of all the good things God has given you. Reflecting on it frequently will keep your outlook on life more positive..
Betty- Thanks is sadly becoming a lost art! If someone follows me into a store, I am compelled to keep the door open for them. Some people almost seem annoyed when you do that. Instead of thanking you, it’s almost like you disrespected their ability to open the door for themselves. I loved the days when people thanked you for everything! As we said, thanks is the antidote to taking each other for granted- which we think is the biggest relationship sin. We have our roles and do stuff for each other like, making the bed, brewing coffee, sorting our vitamins, or even opening the mail.
When we neglect to thank each other, it makes those tasks more like doing a job than love freely given. A job can easily become an obligation that we must do, and instead of joy, we start feeling used and taken for granted.
An Attitude of Gratitude is our driving force as soon as we wake up in the morning. We have time for prayer and meditation while watching the sunrise. It is a different amazing work of art every day. It is so easy to be thankful living here in Hawaii with the majestic mountains and star lit skies!
The 3rd ingredient is Forgiveness:
Here is another Passion Point that is located at the end of Lesson 8!
4. Saying “I’m sorry” can make you feel good, but it is really selfish. “Please forgive me” is other centered because it gives the injured person the opportunity to give you the gift of forgiveness when they are ready to do so, whether it’s immediate or later.
Forgiveness is the glue to every relationship. We are all human and will all let each other down at times, but we can all make the decision to ask and receive forgiveness. Please forgive me is totally different from I’m sorry. “I’m sorry” can even be a selfish act. It may say, “well I’m good whether you are or not.” “Please forgive me”, on the other hand, is other-centered. It allows the hurt or offended person to respond when they are able and puts the ball in their court. Both of us have times when we are not ready to forgive instantly, and please forgive me when sincerely given allows for the time to process and grant forgiveness when ready.
Betty- One of the most important parts for me of asking forgiveness is to be specific! What are you asking forgiveness for? This is my pet peeve! It almost upsets me more when I get a “general” please forgive me and know that Ed does not even know why he upset me or what he did wrong in the first place! I get the self-righteous killer bee attitude, “If he really loved me he would know!”
Of course, I know he can’t read my mind and when I go into this mode it is like putting Ed in debtors’ prison. You will stay there until you pay me back! That is crazy! So, there are two parts, 1. asking forgiveness and 2. willingness to forgive.
Ed- One time I looked at Betty and told her how beautiful her hair looked. I was shocked that she said something sarcastic and walked away. I immediately went into a state of righteous indignation at her reaction and started walking the other way. I knew my intention to compliment her was virtuous and loving so I had to battle with my attitude that I’d rather be right than in relationship! As I had time to reflect, I realized we had been wrapped up in our own jobs and projects and more like two ships passing in the night than lovers. Later Betty shared that what she heard was, your hair sure looks crappy most of the time. I’m glad you fixed it today! As difficult as it was, I finally went to Betty and asked her to forgive me for being locked in my own little world and not paying attention to her. I could have stayed “right” and we would have continued like brother and sister living in the same house, but I am glad I bit the bullet and asked forgiveness and she accepted. We renewed our relationship as lovers again!
Betty- Learning to agree to disagree is also huge for any relationship and is especially true for me and my sister. It can apply to almost anything. I can say the water is too hot and she can say the same water is too cold. What good will it do to argue about it? So many things in life are personal perspectives and we can both be right or wrong! The point is that heated discussions or arguments don’t enhance our relationship and who cares anyway! For Ed & me we have a signal for agreeing to disagree and it goes like this with your hand! Lick your fingertips, slash down & swish to the side. And move on!
Great News. You never have to be stuck because everything we have been talking about is within your power! Love, Romance, Praise, Thanks, Forgiveness are NOT feelings. They are all conscious choices or decisions you can make. No matter how you are feeling, you can decide to pop popcorn, pour a glass of wine, and sit close. You can pick up the phone and make a call to your brother. You can write a letter to ask forgiveness. You can turn off instead of driving straight home and admire the stunning view or gorgeous moon. You can buy the rose and give it to her, even if she always says it is a waste of money! You can choose to be a Valentine every day! Remember – A Valentine a day keeps the doctor away! (I, Ed, made that up).