Video Transcript:
Hi everyone, it’s so great to be with you again. If you have read our recent blogs, we hope that you realize that couple-first parenting is mostly about us being on the same page and having the same vision for setting the tone for our home, with everything we want for our children. We ask if it will benefit or enhance our couple relationship first. If so, we know it will give our children what they want most of all, which is the security of seeing us as a strong, loving couple.
No matter how many rules, guidelines, requests, and promises you make with your kids, you can’t control everything they think, say, or do. When I was parenting more like a drill sergeant, I expected immediate obedience, which happened a few times. But I certainly didn’t know what the kids were thinking. It finally occurred to me that they never came to me with their problems, and I was the last to know what was going on around the house.
Hmm, I began to see how they simply avoided me, and it was actually painful to learn that they saw me more like a tyrant than a dad. And as we do in couple-first parenting, the thought of reversing the situation and seeing if immediate obedience would work between me and Betty had me hysterical at how ridiculous it was, thinking it would work with the kids.
When Ed and I decided to model behaviors between us that we wanted for the kids, I really knew I was no longer alone as the responsible parent. First, we avoided swearing and yelling, and then so did they. It became a fun game when all of us caught each other when we slipped up, and it was so exhilarating for me to make these changes with Ed.
One of the most gratifying outcomes of couple-first parenting was instilling in our family that our home was a safe place. As Ed and I treated each other with unconditional love, it flowed down to each of our kids, so they were doing the same. At times, it took coaxing from us, but we all appreciated that each member of the family wouldn’t be put down, called names, hurt with teases, or even excessively roughhoused.
When we got home, there were times when we even had to give up on things we thought we wanted to implement, like no TV, because we were not willing to go without television, even if there was a sport being on that we wanted to watch. So we could not use that one with the kids.
You know, another huge change was allowing our kids to see us make up after fighting. We recognized that we had learned from our parents to go to the bedroom to make up. Of course, the kids saw the heated exchange, but they seldom saw us sit down, discuss, and reconcile. We decided that whenever the topic was appropriate, we would complete the process where they could observe. They got to see us discuss, work through our agreements or disagreements, ask forgiveness, and heal our relationship. It made so much more sense than when we previously caught the kids fighting, told them to say, “I’m sorry,” and then they never saw us do that.
Our next blog is on feelings and humor. It is important to just have fun with it, which is a line that comes from our favorite family movie, “The Three Amigos.” Also, feelings are important to understand in parenting. Yes, we believe that much of our lives are controlled by our feelings, and that most of us don’t even recognize that we are having them. Please stay tuned. Thank you so much and aloha.